revist the past

Yesturday was an emotional day. Not even sure why other than I ended up visiting an issue I have, and it was due to a conversation I had with a guy.

This guy friend likes me a lot but knows of my interest in the AF guy I am wanting. He is sort of in the background, not waiting on me, but wanting to be there if things dont work out. I asked him not to, but he insists he is chatting with others and he will take up others if someone of interest come along. So its honest.

Anyway, I had stoped talking to him for 2 weeks because he sent me flowers when I didnt want him to. I had a bad day and he thought he would cheer me up. I freaked out, bitched at him, and stopped talking to him all together. The Dominate in me was pissed he didnt follow orders, funny since he isnt even into the lifestyle I am, but he does love CBT. He was dumb founded a female would be pissed about getting flowers. I told him over and over I am NOT like other girls.

So yesturday I explained something about me I am not comfortable about talking about. Growing up, us kids knew if dad got us something it would mean blackmail and a higher price for it as things were use are bartering manipulation. Case in point, christmas. I got a 13 inch tv one year. It was exciting and scarry at the same time. I wanted a tv, but getting it from dad meant he had something to hold over me. So sure anough a few weeks later when I forgot to wash the dishes, there was my dad standing over me while I washed them YELLING, "after all I do for you this is how you repay me, I get you a nice tv and you just dont appreciate it, your sticking a knife in my back, go ahead... just think of no one eles.. dont wash the dishes and see if I ever want to do anything nice for you again. you dont care how I sarafice and give you things when all you do is take take and take... "

So you wonder why I have control issues???
So the guy sending me flowers felt like I was suppose to appreciate them even though all I wanted was to be pissed off and he tried to take thar away. Then how was I suppose to pay him back when I didnt want to be his gf? I dont know how to let people just be nice. I talked with him at length about this, he teared up and said all he wanted was to be nice... and I just coldly told him I didnt want him to be.

I am so fucked up sometimes.

Then when I didnt get any contact yest from the guy I did like, I sent him a text saying goodnight and we breify texted back and forth where he mentioned I was being rude. OMG, instead asking whats wrong I am told I am rude. That fucking hurts. Emotionally all I wanted to do was cry.

Maybe I just shouldnt date at all. I just need a sub to beat.

I need to revisit more past issues to heal I know, but its hard.