My weekend with C

It can be so hard to be completely with what feels like love with a guy who doesn't match the same emotions, and yet he is still there.

So my guy came to Oregon to spend the weekend with me. I picked him up at the airport Friday morning. Since it was a sunny day I thought it would be a good opportunity to show him a few places in Portland and meet up with a friend of mine for lunch. I ended up getting lost, but we made it in the end. I showed him our very impressive bookstore Powells, but we really were too tired to look around. Since we were all hungry we went to the Deshutes brewery and had a great lunch. He tried his first Elk burger and liked it. I tasted a seasonal hoppy beer and he ended up buying a couple of bottles of it to bring back to St Louis to share with some friends. After lunch we checked out a "fetish" shop that was lame. Anyway we said bye to my friend and headed to Eugene.

He got to see my place, where we did end up staying. He met my boys briefly, and even went to my moms and met her and my step dad. We were pretty tired so we called it a day and went to bed early.

The next day we had a great breakfast at my fave restaurant called the Glenwood. He really liked it a lot. I showed him a few of our fish stores as we both have a tank hobby. Then we went to the coast and had a great lunch at Mos and went to the beach and hiked to the light house. It was a very relaxing trip as he slept in the car pretty much the whole time. We took lots of pics as well.

When we got home we had a deep talk. Seems like my interest in him is a lot deeper than him in me. There is someone else he is looking to date, and he says it takes a long time before he feels anything for anyone. It hurt to hear all of that but I am thankful he is honest. I asked him why did he fly out here if I am just a friend?? He said he wanted to see me... and that's as far as that got. SO we attempted to take a nap, but I just decided to get all horny on him. No we didn't have sex, but he did oral on me and I very much enjoyed that.

We went out to dinner. The Italian place was too busy so we went Hawaiian instead. Then we went to my event, pansexual party. He got to meet a lot of my friends and he watched me play. I even got him in some action which was fun. I actually got him to stay up way past his bedtime!!!! But we went to bed and I really didn't sleep as I knew I would have to take him to the airport in a few hours. While I watched him sleep I knew I had to start letting go of him. Not because I wanted to, but because as long as I was the one pursuing him he wasn't going to develop anything real for me. So when he woke up I told him I would try and cut back. He wasn't sure how to respond, but that seems to be normal.

SO I drove him to the airport. It was a quiet drive as we listened to music and didn't have much of a conversation. I did tell him before he got out of the car that I do not want him to assume I understand him. I was very biased on how I read him as I wanted to be with him and he would need to be clear about his intentions. He seems to appreciate my directness. SO he gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye and I told him that I hoped I would see him again.

I was only seconds away when I started to cry. It felt like I was driving away from my heart and I was never going to see him again. Why the fuck do I feel like this. Why am I so emotionally attached to this guy that warned me not to be. The tears were so that I don't remember crying like this in a long time, and I didn't even have a right to. But I fell for him and I am hurting so bad. I tried calling a friend, but nothing could stop. I cried the whole 2 hours driving home. Then I took a nap, and woke up crying again reaching for an empty spot in my bed, in my heart.

I was just not meant to be in a balanced relationship, and it sucks.