My weekend with C

It can be so hard to be completely with what feels like love with a guy who doesn't match the same emotions, and yet he is still there.

So my guy came to Oregon to spend the weekend with me. I picked him up at the airport Friday morning. Since it was a sunny day I thought it would be a good opportunity to show him a few places in Portland and meet up with a friend of mine for lunch. I ended up getting lost, but we made it in the end. I showed him our very impressive bookstore Powells, but we really were too tired to look around. Since we were all hungry we went to the Deshutes brewery and had a great lunch. He tried his first Elk burger and liked it. I tasted a seasonal hoppy beer and he ended up buying a couple of bottles of it to bring back to St Louis to share with some friends. After lunch we checked out a "fetish" shop that was lame. Anyway we said bye to my friend and headed to Eugene.

He got to see my place, where we did end up staying. He met my boys briefly, and even went to my moms and met her and my step dad. We were pretty tired so we called it a day and went to bed early.

The next day we had a great breakfast at my fave restaurant called the Glenwood. He really liked it a lot. I showed him a few of our fish stores as we both have a tank hobby. Then we went to the coast and had a great lunch at Mos and went to the beach and hiked to the light house. It was a very relaxing trip as he slept in the car pretty much the whole time. We took lots of pics as well.

When we got home we had a deep talk. Seems like my interest in him is a lot deeper than him in me. There is someone else he is looking to date, and he says it takes a long time before he feels anything for anyone. It hurt to hear all of that but I am thankful he is honest. I asked him why did he fly out here if I am just a friend?? He said he wanted to see me... and that's as far as that got. SO we attempted to take a nap, but I just decided to get all horny on him. No we didn't have sex, but he did oral on me and I very much enjoyed that.

We went out to dinner. The Italian place was too busy so we went Hawaiian instead. Then we went to my event, pansexual party. He got to meet a lot of my friends and he watched me play. I even got him in some action which was fun. I actually got him to stay up way past his bedtime!!!! But we went to bed and I really didn't sleep as I knew I would have to take him to the airport in a few hours. While I watched him sleep I knew I had to start letting go of him. Not because I wanted to, but because as long as I was the one pursuing him he wasn't going to develop anything real for me. So when he woke up I told him I would try and cut back. He wasn't sure how to respond, but that seems to be normal.

SO I drove him to the airport. It was a quiet drive as we listened to music and didn't have much of a conversation. I did tell him before he got out of the car that I do not want him to assume I understand him. I was very biased on how I read him as I wanted to be with him and he would need to be clear about his intentions. He seems to appreciate my directness. SO he gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye and I told him that I hoped I would see him again.

I was only seconds away when I started to cry. It felt like I was driving away from my heart and I was never going to see him again. Why the fuck do I feel like this. Why am I so emotionally attached to this guy that warned me not to be. The tears were so that I don't remember crying like this in a long time, and I didn't even have a right to. But I fell for him and I am hurting so bad. I tried calling a friend, but nothing could stop. I cried the whole 2 hours driving home. Then I took a nap, and woke up crying again reaching for an empty spot in my bed, in my heart.

I was just not meant to be in a balanced relationship, and it sucks.

Awaiting my guy

So my romantic interest is flying to see me tomorrow. I am on edge as I am debating over and over where we are in this relationship as I just want to dive in and he keeps telling me to stay in the shallow end. I need patience as we started talking in Oct, I flew out last month, then he will be here tomorrow... so there is progress. I am just use to jumping into things that this is foreign...building a relationship slowly and a foundation.

So anyway, I am planning the visit the best I can and hope to maintain flexability. I will pick him up at the airport late morning. Then ummmmm... I guess drive around a little having he see my school and such. I know at night I want to take him out for the a great dinner at a family owned italian resturaunt that is incrediable. I do plan to have him meet my mom... but not on a serious note. Just nice and mellow first night. The next day I am taking him to the Oregon coast, maybe a lighthouse tour, and a seafood lunch. Then at night we might goto a munch before going to a BDSM event at the Asylum. I have a lot of friends that want to meet him. I have no idea how late we will be out, but I hope he can manage. Sad thing is we need to leave early morning to take him to the airport. But thats the plan... oh and I plan on jumping him. He has been putting it off...to build our relationship first...but I have other plans. LOL.

I hope I dont tear up at the airport this time when he leaves. I really like this guy.

ex sub in need

I had a difficult ending to a relationship with a sub a few months back. When he was my boy I was soooooo happy. I had a key to his house and I would do inspections to make sure he made his bed, had groceries, did his laundry, and even dealt with his landlord. I took him to the doctors and made sure he took his meds(including counting his pills) and ordered certain food he had to eat so mommy was satified. Yes it was mommy play and I helped save him. I even had a say about his dates...if he was alowed to have sex or not. I also had a bedroom/paint studio in his house and my own groceries and would tuck him into bed and stay with him incase he had nightmares.

What went wrong is I got a little too involved. I told him all the time this was temporay as he was too young for me but he insisted for me not to worry about that. I made the mistake allowing him to take me on dates, which he was very generous. Then the sleep overs got very emotional as he would hold me all night and he wanted me to stay over more and more as he slept better when I was there. I developed feelings outside the Domme/sub relationship... and it lead to a horrible breakup.

He lied to me about what he was doing with others. He said he did it because he didnt want to lose me. I told him it was fine if he wanted a real GF, but it was the lies I could deal with. I broke it off pretty dramically and took all my stuff out of the house and gave back his key. We had hurt each other big time and it took 4 months before we uttered a word to each other.

So now he is off his meds and I have been asked to step back in as a caretaker yet again. I cant allow any emotional attachments again as I am not going to fall for the same shit. But I care for him, he had a very abusive past and I understand his issues... plus I know I can make him healthy again. I like taking care of people and he is very sweet when he is good.

I want to help, but at arms length. I am way too good at my mommy play and I am honored by the request... even though I shouldnt. My heart is set on my AF guy big time and I cant screw that one up. I am sure I will not take on my young sub boy again, I think that will be a big NO...but I can still be a friend.

revist the past

Yesturday was an emotional day. Not even sure why other than I ended up visiting an issue I have, and it was due to a conversation I had with a guy.

This guy friend likes me a lot but knows of my interest in the AF guy I am wanting. He is sort of in the background, not waiting on me, but wanting to be there if things dont work out. I asked him not to, but he insists he is chatting with others and he will take up others if someone of interest come along. So its honest.

Anyway, I had stoped talking to him for 2 weeks because he sent me flowers when I didnt want him to. I had a bad day and he thought he would cheer me up. I freaked out, bitched at him, and stopped talking to him all together. The Dominate in me was pissed he didnt follow orders, funny since he isnt even into the lifestyle I am, but he does love CBT. He was dumb founded a female would be pissed about getting flowers. I told him over and over I am NOT like other girls.

So yesturday I explained something about me I am not comfortable about talking about. Growing up, us kids knew if dad got us something it would mean blackmail and a higher price for it as things were use are bartering manipulation. Case in point, christmas. I got a 13 inch tv one year. It was exciting and scarry at the same time. I wanted a tv, but getting it from dad meant he had something to hold over me. So sure anough a few weeks later when I forgot to wash the dishes, there was my dad standing over me while I washed them YELLING, "after all I do for you this is how you repay me, I get you a nice tv and you just dont appreciate it, your sticking a knife in my back, go ahead... just think of no one eles.. dont wash the dishes and see if I ever want to do anything nice for you again. you dont care how I sarafice and give you things when all you do is take take and take... "

So you wonder why I have control issues???
So the guy sending me flowers felt like I was suppose to appreciate them even though all I wanted was to be pissed off and he tried to take thar away. Then how was I suppose to pay him back when I didnt want to be his gf? I dont know how to let people just be nice. I talked with him at length about this, he teared up and said all he wanted was to be nice... and I just coldly told him I didnt want him to be.

I am so fucked up sometimes.

Then when I didnt get any contact yest from the guy I did like, I sent him a text saying goodnight and we breify texted back and forth where he mentioned I was being rude. OMG, instead asking whats wrong I am told I am rude. That fucking hurts. Emotionally all I wanted to do was cry.

Maybe I just shouldnt date at all. I just need a sub to beat.

I need to revisit more past issues to heal I know, but its hard.

Claiming a relationship

So I have been getting to know a guy since the first week of Oct, right after I broke up with someone. You know the saying that you find someone when your not looking??? Well this guy found me just when I felt like giving up, on FetLife, and he contacted me because there was something about my profile he connected to.

I was really cautious at first. I had a thing about not making friends online I didnt first meet and to top it off I didnt want an online fake thing. I was very clear about this, but he kept chatting with me and he got my cell number and something about him caught my attention.

Oddly enough, it was how he didnt seem like the kind of guy I would notice is what got me to give him a 2nd look. I thought for a brief moment to see what this nice normal looking guy is about. So we started talking, and he just suprised me. He had told me he had interests in being submissive, but he had so much strength and just knew what to say to diffuse me, and yes I am very attracted to that. I felt safe enough to acually break down and cry while talking on the phone.

So he is my first online thing. I have NEVER did an online date situation but there is it. We talk on the phone, he sends me questions in e/ms and I respond and send him more questions. I get jealousy issues when he talks about other people, and he does the same (but much quieter than me). This thing has had its up and downs, but what impresses me is how much he pays attention. Although he may not have all the comminication skills I hope he would have, I know he cares and I know he remembers things and I feel special.

So the thing is, he has never been in a relationship. With this, I have a feeling he isnt sure how to go about one. So where I want to let him accept this at his own pace like he asks me to do (he says it takes time for him), I believe he also needs me to be the one to move it along. I was the one that bought the plane ticket to go see him in St Louis so we could finally meet face to face. I didnt want to wait, I just want to see I was real. Now he is coming out to visit me in a week and I get to introduce hin to a whole other side of my life.

So I keep asking him to consider us GF and BF. He hesitates saying he isnt seeing anyone else but he needs time. Then he mentioned something in passing that I am the one setting the tone. So with the in mind I flat out told him he was my BF, I changed my relationship status to relect that, and I am telling everyone that YES I have a BF, its complicated due to distance, and just set the tone a little higher. Now I wait for his reation.

I am a dominate personality, and I will claim what I want. He is the one I want very badly. I think he is sweet and cute, and our discussions of kink fits everything I want. He has a good responsible job with the ambition for more. He is freaking buying a 3 bdrm house, 2 car garage, an office, and full basement. Thats going to me my home someday, I just know it. Am I getting ahead of myself, yes. However I am ambitious too and knowing what I want and how to go for it is who I am.

So I am claiming him!

First Post

I haven't been doing a regular blog since the last Iraq deployment of my ex husband. This was a great tool at the time as I connected with my thoughts and fears of deployments with other spouces all over the world. Cource those days are gone as I have experienced deep dark levels of betrayl from him and I no longer felt safe blogging.

I am in a new place in my life and I want to express my new journey. I am in a new year, completely divorced, and found new happiness in being a lifestyle Dominate. I am also wanting to fall in love with someone that would appreicate what I have to offer. I enjoy the new friends I am making and this wonderful community I am connecting with along the way.

Somehow I am finding myself again. I am scared a lot, I am excitited, and I will be the non conventional person I have always been. Just frustrated and really hope there is a happy ending in all of this.

The blog should be random. I might talk about sessions with subs, things I want to do, the guy I crave to be with, and maybe some friends. I'll just talk about what ever happens to be on my mind.

Mz M